**This post was written last night after a troubling visit from some relatives. I try to extend positive energy through my blog. Truth mixed with gratitude mixed with real stories of how I have become the person I am today. Unfortunately, situations like yesterday are also a part of who I am and I feel that it is important to write about them as well because ultimately they also play a role in our family life. I also think that there are others out there unfortunate enough to face the same struggle within their family. Maybe you can relate, hopefully you cannot. I have calmed down significantly today and am enjoying a nice Sunday with those that mean the most to me. I hope you are as well (spending time with loved ones that is).**
As I mentioned in this post, the relationship with my in-laws is less than desirable. I am sitting here tonight next to a softly breathing Evan who has drifted off to sleep while I am typing, wondering in amazement how anyone could not see what I see when I look at him, or Braeden, or Maggie.. My feelings of hurt and anger on their behalf are raw at this moment. I have had time to calm down after today's visit and yet I still cannot find the peace within myself to move on. Why were my children given this burden? Why must I suffer with this hardship that defeats me to my core? Why, why, why?
A letter to "them"..
I aspire to rise above the feelings I have towards you. I wish I could limit my emotional reaction to a simple "this too shall pass" feeling. However I am not so fortunate or pure of heart that I can just let it go without a natural human response. I strive to protect my children from what I consider evil or dangerous to them. I spend every day focused on their overall well-being and keeping them safe from unnecessary physical, mental and emotional harm. Yet I am powerless to completely protect them from you. You know who you are. Even though I hope you never find this blog, if you do, you will know I am talking to you. Or maybe you won't. Maybe you are just that arrogant and selfish that you will assume I must be writing about someone else. I pray for my children to grow up inheriting nothing from you. How your son/grandson turned out to be the man that he is today I will never understand. It is obvious that you had no role in who he has become. He believes that God saved him from a life of destruction at 17 years old. Ironically, this is approximately the same time that you chose to abandon him for veering from your ways. He needed you. He couldn't walk or talk on his own after his stroke. And yet you chose to force his hand to choose between becoming a better person and living the rest of his life like you. Lucky me, he chose the right path. You are mean-spirited, deceitful and disrespectful to myself, my husband and our children. We deserve better. Unfortunately, you are allowed the title of family simply because you are genetically bound to us. There are many people in our life far more qualified to hold that title. Our kids don't even understand who you are to them and today when given a clear opportunity to clarify the situation, you told my two year old to call you by your name rather than by your relation to him. To him you are just another visitor. Please stop complaining that you don't see them enough. If you wonder why we limit our contact, it is because you make our lives far more difficult than they should be. My beautiful baby girl does not deserve to be called a butt by anyone EVER. I don't even know what you were really saying since you never speak to them in English, but I do know it was unkind and inappropriate. If I had the ultimate decision making power in this family, today would have been the end. But for some reason, we continue to play the game even though we always lose. You should consider yourselves very lucky.
I can't believe I am writing this out in a blog post, but honesty is hugely important to me and brutal honesty is sometimes a result of that choice. I pray every day for this situation to resolve itself. Either through some sort of understanding between us or my own ability to rise above the anger. I've tried in so many ways to be the bigger person. To not let you affect me to this level. But I am a mother to three amazing children who deserve so much better, and for them I will never. stop. fighting.