― Art Williams
When I saw this, I thought, you're exactly right Art Williams. I don't know who you are, but I believe you're onto something here. His sentiment is exactly how I feel about starting this blog. The writing for me is easy. Deciding what to write and how much to share? Not as much.
I want to be truthful. I want to empty my soul and find myself a better person through the process. I hope to be able to help others by sharing the experiences I have had and letting anyone else who might feel the same way know that they are definitely not alone. It often feels that way, but there are always people who want to be there for you even when you can't see clearly enough to recognize them. I want to reveal my whole self through reflection and straightforwardness. I can do these things. I KNOW it WON'T be easy, but if the relief I already feel sharing the little that is published so far is any indication, it's going to be worth it in countless ways.
What I don't want, is to make this a pity party. I am not writing from the poor me perspective and I truly hope that you don't see it that way. I hope to fill this blog with love and joy, interspersing the struggles I've been through to accomplish the list above. I am at a very good place in my life which is why I feel comfortable exposing my whole self to the world FINALLY. 34 years in and I'm ready to talk.. I don't want anyone to read and think that I am unhappy. I couldn't do this if I was. It would be too hard to face friends who are reading my writing if I wasn't up to the challenge of owning my emotions, struggles and fears. I don't want anyone to treat me differently. As I've said, I'm in a better place than I have ever been and this blog is meant to hold me accountable for walking the walk to go along with talking (writing) the talk.
I do hope that maybe if you've known me for a long time, you can think back and realize that if I wasn't there for you at a time when you needed me, or I didn't show up at your wedding, or didn't call often enough (or at all), it was NOT because I didn't love you, care about you or want to share in your life. I just couldn't. I was paralyzed by my fears and anxiety more times than I can tell you. But I'm fighting back now. This is my life and I will live it to the fullest that I am able. I am doing this for my family and my friends, but mostly for me.
And while I know it's not going to be easy, it will be worth it one hundred fold.