I've had a feeling recently that things really weren't right. My biggest problem was that I wasn't sleeping more than an hour at a time at night. I would wake up and have to get out of bed because the right side of my body was so restless that I couldn't stay still anymore. It's a symptom, along with the worried feeling in the pit of my stomach, that I am all too familiar with. Apparently, I wasn't ready to come off of the medication yet. Even though I had been on it longer after Maggie than either of the boys, the timing wasn't right for me. My symptoms became prominent with both boys right around 10 months after they were born and wouldn't you know, Maggie is 10 1/2 months old. I knew it was a risk trying to ween off at this point in time because of my past history, but I also wanted to see if having already been treated for six months would have resolved my Postpartum Depression issues earlier this time around. A big fat NO is the answer that I have clearly been presented with in the last couple of weeks.
I am hugely disappointed. Not in myself, because there wasn't anything I could have done about it, but in the fact that I now have to go back on medication for a few months. I was looking forward to a summer of fun when I would be full of the energy that I am robbed of while I'm on medication. For the last six weeks, I have enjoyed being able to stay awake all day without fighting the need for a nap, getting into an exercise routine, and preparing to start the rest of my life without having to face this challenge again.
This is the first time I haven't been able to go off medication after six months with success. But again, because of the timing I am not surprised. Something in my postpartum brain just seems to struggle at the 10 month point. So I started the medication again yesterday and I am hoping for a decent night sleep really soon. I need a good night's sleep really soon. What I am not looking forward to is having to ween off again. But for now my focus is on taking care of my current situation and stomping out these mild symptoms as they reappear. I will worry about the end game later.