Big Steps Forward, A Small Step Back

"I feel good. I feel great. I feel wonderful." If you haven't seen What About Bob, you MUST. It's one of the funniest movies ever and I think I've seen it at least 20 times in my life. Anyway.. aside from the movie promo, I must say that I think my attempt to step out into the world more and conquer a few of my fears has gone really well. I generally feel good, great and wonderful.

I knew starting this blog would hold me accountable for standing behind my decisions to try more things and let go of some of the insecurities that have been plaguing me my whole life. Honestly, it has worked. I am busy, happy and involved in so much more as a result. However, there are still plenty of times I feel like the village idiot and would love to go home and crawl under the covers.

The other night I went to a party with a group of women that was made up of mostly people I knew and a few that I didn't. But it was at the home of someone that I have only met recently and so it was out of the comfort zone for me. I felt like I was back in seventh grade. I didn't know where to stand, what to say or who to talk to. I did go with three friends, but of course I felt like they knew the people that I didn't and they are all better socially than me anyway. I didn't want to be too involved and look like an obnoxious fool, but I try really hard not to appear meek and shy either because that is how I ended up turning people off in the past. Note to self: only men in the 1800's like meek and shy women. Glad I figured that one out in 2012. So I did my best and I really did enjoy the party, but I wish I could go into new situations with confidence and just let the good times flow. Now I've committed to go out to dinner and dancing with a group of friends on Friday (because as part of my goals for the year I can't say no if I'm available) and I'm already worried. I'll only know about half of the people well enough to have something already in common with them and I'm more of a 100% girl in order to relax and have a good time. I'm sure it will be fun. If not, I'll carry a fish around my neck and recite over and over, "I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful."

In many areas though, I have come so far! I can now go someplace unfamiliar and not feel sick to my stomach worrying about where I'm going to park, who will be there, etc. etc. I can walk into the school and easily talk to people. I can actually invite people to do things and expect that the answer will be yes rather than assuming it will be no because they've got other friends and commitments that don't involve me. I can make phone calls without having to psych myself up first. I have gained so much confidence and I'm really delighted with how positively my efforts have affected me and my family (well, except for Roman who has spent a lot more nights home alone with the kids while I have "girls night" plans). I am very hopeful that meeting new friends will soon be on the easier list too. But all in it's own time. For now I am very satisfied with the big steps forward even if they are balanced by a few small steps back.