Tuesday, April 17, 2012

My Brain is like a Fun House

I don't even know where to start to explain it clearly. It's like everything in my head is just wandering around looking for a place to settle, but all the weird turns and illusions keep it constantly shifting and confused. No, it is not my usual state of mind, but right now I am in the process of weaning off of my anti-depressant (hopefully for the last time since Maggie is our last baby) and like the two times before, I am not enjoying it. After Braeden, I don't remember the side effects being nearly as bad as they have been after Evan and Maggie. I attribute that to getting pregnant again so quickly after I finished the medication that it was all combined with morning sickness. So maybe I did experience the same problems but they were masked by vomiting and constant nausea and headaches.

I thought I had a better plan this time around. I would cut my dose in half for a month and then half it one more time for another month and then be done. That way I would have next to nothing in my system for a longer period of time before I was done all together. It might be helping some, but not nearly enough to stick to that schedule and stay on any dosage until June. I made the decision yesterday to do two weeks at each lower dosage and then be done at the end of April instead of the end of May. The doctor's recommendation is to do one week at half, then one week every other day, and then be done. I knew that would make my head more like a tilt-a-whirl so I opted to try and lengthen the process thus minimizing the effects and maybe stay away from the carnival all together. Nope. The fun house it where I have landed this time and the sooner I can get out the better.

When I was weaning off after Evan, I experienced lots of dizziness and an inability to keep up with my own head as it was moving. It was like I could turn my head, but my vision would be a just a hair behind it and create a really weird sensation of my head not being able to keep up with itself. When I looked it up, I found a forum where people were describing exactly what I was feeling. It was great to know that I was "normal", but it didn't make it any easier to deal with. My head hurt all.the.time. I was always dizzy and just couldn't really function successfully. Thankfully it only lasted a couple of weeks, but that was a seriously long two weeks. After a month or so, I felt better than I could remember feeling in years. I had energy, was happy and enjoying life so much. Then I got pregnant with Maggie and started the whole cycle again... And with her I was sick for almost 20 weeks. But believe me, I would do it over and over again. Except that we've decided not to, so I don't have to, which my head truly appreciates.

Hopefully in a couple of weeks I will feel like myself again. I pray that I can go back to that place I was in between Evan and Maggie because my kids deserve that mom. My husband deserves that me. And I deserve that life. But for now, the half of me that is functioning will have to do. For the next couple of weeks I will lay low and try not to get too dizzy looking in the mirrors and wandering around looking for the exit.

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