Somewhere In Between

My poor brain has been through a lot these past five years. Three kids turned into three bouts with Post Partum Depresssion. As I've detailed in this post and this post, it became more manageable with each child, meaning that I recognized the symptoms early and began treatment quickly so that my every day life wasn't nearly as affected as it had been after Braeden. However, just because I understood more about my situation and condition didn't change the fact that my body was fighting every day to regain balance, especially my already overworked, sleep deprived brain. I am generally exhausted while on medication which doesn't help me feel a whole lot better. It takes a toll.

For whatever reason after Maggie, I attribute it to the additional female hormones but I actually have no idea why it happened, I had to begin medication much sooner than with either of the boys. As a result I wasn't sure when a good time to wean off of the medication would be. Do I stop after the usual six months? Do I go six months after she turns ten months old? So many questions and no real answers; just a hit or miss type of process that would hopefully have a successful ending. I wrote a post about my first attempt to get off the medication several months ago. Unfortunately as the title of the post indicated, the timing at that point just wasn't right. I was incredibly disappointed that my journey down this long road wasn't yet over.

Now I find myself yet again rolling the dice to see if I am indeed ready to return to the me I miss so much. My timing again is questionable for a few reasons. I have recently stopped taking birth control pills (I know.. TMI, but I'm trying to be honest and NO, we are not trying to get pregnant) so my hormones are already trying to figure out that change. As a result, because I react so strongly to all medications and adjustments, my mind and body are already in a state of permanent PMS. You wish you were my family right now right? Along with the medication shifts, I also have a craft fair coming up in a couple of weeks that still needs lots of time and attention. And oh yeah, sending Evan to preschool for the first time and Braeden starting Kindergarten. No pressure or anxiety there.. If you think that isn't quite enough to worry about you would be right. We've decided to give our kitchen a face lift (new cabinet doors, counter tops, paint, floor..) in October.

As a result I'm not too sure that I'm giving myself a fair chance to be successful. But I don't wait around when I've made up my mind or second guess decisions. Just ask my boys who had pacifiers and diapers one day and then whoops gone the next. No slow, gradual changes around here. I am slowly weaning off the medication because it would be irresponsible to go cold turkey with that process, but I am determined not to turn back and give in because life seems to be overwhelming me and I might be sliding backwards. God and I had a bit of a chat last night and I laid it all out about how I couldn't do this myself and I really needed His help and would He please just get me through this so that I can finally move on. He hasn't let me down yet, so I'm pretty confident that He'll do His part.

To make this terribly long story shorter.. I am attempting to wean off again because my body and mind need a rest and a burst of energy all at once. It sounds confusing, but without medication I get energy back to live my life and my brain gets a break from the battle between itself and the meds. Granted I once again become wholly responsible for my own mental well-being, but I've been waiting for that opportunity for a year now. I really don't care for living in this in between state and I'm praying that I won't have to for much longer. Fingers crossed that I am a 100% organic, synthetic-free me by the holidays.